My Mind is empty of
Images, I feel them
trickle out
back of my head
Unseen by me
Please, can you see?
Anyone, see see
Look for me
Im Empty,
of All of them
All are gone.
Aches and Colds
are my Normal
Cracked hands and
Sore Bones
And I just wish it wasn't
said it wouldnt be
and it turned out to be
This way.

Im sitting here in my room at 2:08 AM, telling myself to be excited about halloween Tomorow.
My throat is Sore, my
Eyelids are Sore too, from being encrusted in Makeup and crying a bit.
Nothing to be alarmed over, its all working out.

Except I hate being sick. Except for the foggy and very out of it feeling you get when your In Fever; I like that feeling. I really loathe sore throats and sore bodies, they sux hardcore.

My tummy hurts.
Its 1:30 pm now, the next day. Im sitting here instead of getting ready; typical.
I hope I have fun tonight.

My little sister's name is Julia.

She is 7. We were born on the same day. July 20th. We are exactly 12 years and 6 hours apart. We're almost exactly alike. I very much resented her because of that, I believe.

The other day, on one of the days I was home, I was sitting outside and she came outside and started talking to me.

"Your really old!" she said.
"Huh?"
"Your really old right now! I thought you were gonna be seven."
I stopped, and thought about that for a few minutes. She says odd things like this frequently, but that sentence had me thinking.

When I was little, I always wanted a little sister. That was my biggest craving; a friend. I had several brothers, but no one to play girl things with, dress-up with; you know. Those things. I felt like I was supposed to have a little sister. None came.

Finally, I started to get older. I stopped thinking about how I wanted a little sister. Gave up on the idea, I suppose. When I turned 12, my mom went into labor. I remember being pissed off about how it was finally MY DAY, my BIRTHDAY and we were all going to the fucking HOSPITAL to sit around while a baby came. My day was no longer my day any more.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"Well, I thought you were going to be seven by now. We're born on the same day, we're twins. Usually twins are the same age." Her tone was completely honest, and kinda hesitant.

I felt blown back for a second. All the old hurtful lonely memories of being the only girl rushed back to me. Now that I finally had the little sister I wanted, I was practically grown and gone! Now Julia is alone.

We were supposed to be born together, according to her. The theory of people picking the family to be born into makes sense here. Thats basically what she was saying. She expected to have a have a sister. Not a little one or a big one, but one of the same age as she. We were supposed to be born together.
The sadness in her voice was really overwelming. I felt really sad afterwards. Now whenever I recount it, or think about it I start to cry. She's the lonely one, now.

I take for granted already the ammount of information I can access because of my newly aquired personal internet. Although its not that new at this point; a couple months old. Im running on about...a gram maybe of Headies shake, and after that a crappy shake baggie of really old Mids. After that, Im dry for like..two weeks.

O.O


Hopefully It shall stretch through the weekend. I want it to. It should. Ive been conserving. My tummy is really bad right now; Im a bit scared of having another UTI, it hurts when I pee an stuff. But then again, I did just have ferocious sex a few hours ago, and my vagina always gets sore and hurty afterwards. Just keep peeing. Just. Keep. Urinating. Voiding. DONT STOP.

BELIEVINGGGGGGGG.

Ok.

I really love Neil Diamond. His voice makes me really happy. I sometimes marvel over the musical creative process; its so strange to me, I really dont understand how to make songs, or how they came up with such intricate melodies. I find it really fasinating, though. I like all sorts of music; I really dont form particularities over musical tastes. Its another form of art; and all art is pretty much beautiful to me, as long as its true.
Definition of True in This Sense: coming from the person's insides. I dont know. I know what I mean, and I'll just hope everyone else out there does too.

Time to pack one? Ok! Lets pack one! Im compiling a small list of short-term goals to complete. I find that lists keep me on track a lot easier than just randomly deciding to do things. My problem is I do not randomly decide to do stuff, really. And when I do Im extremely proud of myself. Unless the reason for the spontinuity is because Im extremely upset. Like running away. I do that a lot when Im upset, or daydream about it. What would make you feel better right now, what would make the pressure go away? Run away, my mind says. Run away. But, my logical half understands that its not where I go, or even really where I am.. Its me. And generally speaking I cant run away from 'Me'. Still makes me feel better for a bit, though.

Short Term List:

GET FUCKING LIBRARY CARD RENEWED. Then rent Family of Light again.
Get Debit Card.
Put together a small portfolio of shorts I took this year, the best ones. Do this yearly. Compare to previous years to see improvement and change in style/interests.
Get Foliage Photos.
Chelsea Teach me The Zone System.
Start coming up with things to sell. Prehaps another batch of lip balm?
Get A Docter.




Awwwwww.... Now Im nostalgic. Spelled wrong. This song always makes me sad.. Happy-Sad. Memory Involking, evening though the memories arent particularly attached to any spacific one; just old times I guess. I'd give anything to be 15 again.

Last Two Bowlpacks! ALERT. IM ON MY LAST TWO BOWL PACKS OF HEADIES.

Oh dearie dear dear..
Im gonna be sober for like..a friggin week. BY CHOICE. Not by desperation. Why? Let me try to remember why, again.. My Memory is probably worse, but then again I dont remember it being any better than it is now so. Cant say for sure. I can still remember multiple lists of coffees and sandwitches at once, though. And oddly enough, I can still memorize information well. I just can completely block things I dont want to remember more easily.

I feel like, my ability to sort through whatever my current issues and knots are will be easier when I got a few sober days under my belt. Also, a week of weed being off my expense list would be lovely.

However. Im gonna go crazy. I went a little crazy earlier today. Like... omg. SEVERE mood swing. I cried for two hours straight. I woke up at 12, felt completely shitty. Like. Total shit. Started crying. Cried until around three.
Said Fuck This and packed a bowl. Whenever I feel like I simply just cannot take crying anymore I smoketh. Then I calm down. Still. Its like.. a crazy sort of calm. I can feel myself detach, actually. I can feel it when it is just beginning to happen.. Sort of like lifting off the ground, floating and observing. Everything becomes fuzzy. I pointedly avoid the upsetting subects. Its not a nice feeling, but it saves you..

I do this crazy thing; I block out like.. large chunks of time. Today, it wasnt until after I smoked that I remembered and realized that the night before, I had a similar freaking out accident. Thats why I woke up so upset.
Even while crying I didnt remember that I had been crying the whole night before, too. How bizzare. Im really afraid Im gonna wake up and realize some day that I have like.. split personalities or something. Anyway..

Whatever I Find Upsetting I actively block from memory. This is what Ive always done. This is how its always been. I just notice now because I know about it, and the weed makes it easier forget it even more. Makes it so I dont even think about it. Whatever thoughts that lead to that memory, I usually push away too. I make it so Im floating in this really nice foggy place where nothing actually hurts anymore.
But Ive been really upset lately.
Its like.. exploding I think.
The limits..
The walls.

My mind is going a little craaaazyyyyyy.... I just want everything to work out, you know? I just want it all to work itself out and I want to feel safe and comfortable and happy forever. Instead, I get plagued by the desire to constantly go BACK! BACK! BACK! BAAAAAACKSLIDEEEEEEEEEE and never ending mental victimization cycles... Omg. Enough to make you insane.
They are EVERYWHERE. The possiblities for a victimizing situation. They arent all sexual, yanno. Im still getting PLENTY of other sorts of victimizing situations. I find.. I keep myself from sorting an issue out or mentioning an issue just to watch it become puffed up and infected and then eventually it explodes. And becomes like...300% worse. Or I just dont want to cause trouble or problems and thus dont mention it until I burst with it.. Either one.

I gotta pee. I gotta pee so bad!
Im sick, too.
I always get fucking sick when Im depressed. God damn. Depression is a horrible breeding ground for bacteria.
I wrote him the quite possibly the most direct and assaulting letter yet. I do that. Im not quick enough at processing to be good in a verbal battle ground, but written? Im very good at expressing myself in text, especially with backspace. So we'll get into a fight, and then the entire night I'll labor away intensely on a five or six paged letter of bitching. Deliver it the next day, only to forget about it and loose the drive to pursue the fight. He still reads them though, and then gets all indignate over parts of them and I try to explain heat of the moment expression..
But anyway, he's got this one. He might hate me a little after this one.
But you know what? I had to write it all down.
I'd explode, really I would have... Crazy, man.
I aint kiddin. Nope nope nope.

Bad stuffs happening right now ...

I stormed away from him tonight after work. I got out of the car rapidly, slammed the door, grabbed my hot chocolate and stomped off. I felt bad afterwards.

Im laying on my un-made bed, with a gigantic ball of snot rags on one side and a pile of uneaten food on the other (in plates, of course.) I have been sick for going on three weeks now. I wake up dying from coughing, because my nose is continuiously leaking in my sleep and going into my lungs and I wake up with Crusty Lung. At first it started with Aches and Pains, Fever, Sore Throat, Hot and Cold Flashes, EVERYTHING except Vomiting.

Then I went to Boston. When Im sick I tend to say "Fuck You" to my body and continue doing whatever Im doing regardless of how sick I may be feeling. I dope myself up with a ton of painkillers and cough syrup if I have to, and Im good for a few hours. So, I went to Boston and there my fever peaked. I wondered around The Pit and The City with my friend Lianna, completely and totally out of it.
After coming home, I developed a stomache bug. My Immunity to Shitty-Other-Viruses-I-Could-Pick-Up-Along-The-Way was very low, so I delt with that. Then the Cough/Stuffy Nose didnt go away, and still hasnt.

On Friday night, everything peaked. My Mom bought my a giant bottle of Robotussen, and instructed me to have some every four hours. So thats what I did, for 48 hours. Every four hours, WHOOP! Down goes a swig of Robotussen. Odd things started happening to my mental processes, that I didnt really notice or take seriously but my Boyfriend noticed. A slowness in the uptake; slower than usual. Disorientation. I'd be completely sober, and feel very ....On Drugs. For instance, there was this one Moment where I was talking to Matt as we left a Pizza Shop. We parked on the other side of the building, so we had to walk around it on a sidewalk to get to his car. As we walked along the sidewalk, I stopped randomly; right in front of this Silver Car. Matt continued talking to me, and I anwsered normally. Zoned out. Staring at the car. Suddenly he said "Lets go! Come On!" And I said "OK" and started trying to open the door to the Silver Car in front of me. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Matt yelled.
I stopped, Looked around (rather frightened) realized what I was doing, and ran. I could not explain myself. Not even to myself. I honestly had no memory of what I was doing. I remember the story because Matt told me, and I remember 'Coming To' infront of the Silver Car and being very confused because it wasnt Matt's car and I thought it was.

ANYWAY. I had been on the Robotussen for 48 hours at this point, and on Friday Night, while at work, I took another dose. My coughing had reached epic levels of uncontrolable-ness and it was very neccicary to medicate as much as possible. Half an hour later, the room suddenly SHIFTED. Everything...shifted (the best word I can think of to explain the sensation) and had a very bizzare feeling to it. I had started tripping. My cohearancy was very low. I was tripping at work accidently, and very misrable over it. What the HELL?
Then I went to the bathroom, and discovered there was bright red blood all over my underwear. I had started bleeding and my period wasnt for an ENTIRE week. I have been on The Pill for 6 months at this point; break through bleeding shouldnt be happening. I started freaking out, imagining all the things it could mean. Possible miscarriage, pregnacy, too low a doseage of BC... So I was tripping AND freaking out over being pregnate. Freaking out to the point of, the last 15 minutes of work was spent hysterically sobbing out of veiw, praying no customers would come. My tummy cramped a lot, and the bleeding at first was heavy compared to a normally light, on-birth-control Period. Then it ebbed away and four days later, Im still spotting. Or is it three days. Really, I dont care enough to calculate. Im sick of worrying.

Saturday I was supposed to be going to a Rancid concert, but for some very depressing reason I didnt feel like going. It just seemed like a bad idea to me.
A) I was tired, very very tired. The night before had been so upsetting I continued to feel stressed the next day. And crampy. I was still having lingering worries over the whole pregnacy thingy, but I was sick of worrying so I didnt let it eat me.
B) I didnt think going into a public, germ-infested place was a great idea at this stage of my getting-better-ness. Every time I had gone into public in the last three weeks I had picked up something new. I was sick of being sick, so I didnt go.


Now, I am going to shower. I havent showered since Friday. Its Monday. I am going to do that now.

Matt's Dad decided to tell Matt that I said to him that Matt was treating me badly, needs to take a shower and is disrespectful because he brings me into his room while its a disaster zone. He said that he ignores me when around Nick, Curtis, Travis..
Matt got really upset.
First off, I didnt say any of those things, least of all to Matt's DAD. His Dad is cynical bastard who is interesting yet still strikes me as a bit evil.
Matt started telling me he feels he should break up with me because he doesnt want to hurt me, and feels he's holding me back in life.

One - Dont fuck with the abandonment issues. Im understanding of yours, please respect mine. Dont threaten to dump, even for 'my own good'. That fucks with me hard. I need to know Im secure and safe in a relationship, not on the verge of being let go. How about trying to fix the problem, if you feel you are holding me back/hurting me, instead of leaving me. How is that for a novel idea? You have threatened to dump me at least twice 'for my own good'. I never have threatened you.

Two - One part of me says.. You need to take it easy Jill, this kid has some serious Self Image and Worth issues, and you know when those are around they tend to lean more towards giving up than fixing, because they doubt their abilities at doing anything. This also means you need to be super-careful, because things you say will impact him deeply because he's so sensitive right now. Help him fix it, help him fix himself. (how can I help someone who doesnt want to change?)

Three - The Other part of me says... Im angry. If people are saying your treating me like shit; why dont you review how you treat me and see if their are any possible ways that you can treat me better? Instead of getting all upset and defensive, if you ACTUALLY cared about me you'd see if their was any possible way you could make things better and do it.

I dont give a shit about your room.
Showers are nice. I like it when you shower. Do it. Often.
Yes, you do ignore me around your friends sometimes. The only one I can actually converse with is Travis (and that is about bare minimum, but its still deeper than Nick or Curtis). Most of the things you guys talk about I dont know and pretty soon stopped caring about. So I just sit somewhere in a chair for a few hours watching or entertaining myself. I do this regularly. Your parents probably noticed. The two main things that bother me about this is A) Your lack of willingness to do the same for me and B) The fact that the entire day can pass and you wont hug me or kiss me or make any move towards me unless I start it.

Yanno, I dont think Im being a demanding girlfriend here, even though I feel like it. My list of 'Requirements' are actually more like 'Things That Would Be Nice If You Did'. I think Im pretty fuckin undemanding. I ask for you to Shower. I ask for you to Pay Attention to Me. Those are tiny little requirements that I dont even require you to do, because my want to be around you over-rides my desire to train you. Im really pissed that you dont even see how good you have it (Do you even REALIZE what most girlfriends are LIKE? Do you have ANY IDEA how good you have it, how easy I am on you?) and bitch about the little things that I'd like you to do. LIKE SHOWER. Spend a little time in MY world. Maybe meet my parents one of these days!

Also, he's quitting driving me. Which is understandable, and I was expecting. That also pisses me off I think. But for a reason I cant identify. I know that it will make things easier on him which I am in favor of, but at the same time it means we'll be spending a lot less time together. I think Im also feeling like... withdrawing inwards because something I relied on is being pulled away and Im being forced to stand on my wobbly legs and do it myself. He said he mainly cant drive me home nights. Yet he also cant get me to the registry to get my permit. So it looks like Im walking. Im not telling him Im walking, though. If he wants his rest and stuff I refuse to get in the way; I'll walk.


I do feel slightly jiped. I feel like everything could be better. I feel like he doesnt love and want me as much, he just needs me. And he wont even fill the things I need, to have me. He wont even shave his fucking pubes because they rip me apart when we're having sex, because 'it takes too much time and I hate doing it." well ya know what? No more sex. If you cared you'd shave, especially after SEEING how chaffed I get. Fuck you. Im worth more than this.

I have sticky, food-like substances on my space key. Im eating browned, oven-toasted pizza that I stole from Dunkin Donuts. I take a lot of food from there. everyone does. I have decided to stand up without the use of my parents a few months ago, and now eat my own bought food items, or Dunkins. Usually Dunkins because its free and Supper Time.
I am producing Art but its at a rather mediocre pace. Still livable. I still have no idea what Im gonna do with my life. What Im going to do tomorow. (besides work) Im overwelmed with the posibilities. Actually; thats a lie. I cant even begin to comprehend the posibilities. I could do ANYTHING. I could set out and do ANYTHING. And I dont. I used to not be able to comprehend that, but now I can. And slowly, sluggishly Im
shifting. Im figuring out how to do stuff. Simple things. Scary things I had never done before, and steered away from because it meant new boundries I over stepped; new things I could do. I was kept in a teeny tiny small box my entire life. I was not allowed to do anything. The Parents posed as physical barriers for a while; and then when the time came for me to grow into myself and start to leave the nest I couldnt. I could not even begin to, because I had taught myself to be ok with living misrably my entire life.
Simple things like buying an item or going clothes shopping were a huge nerve wrecking event; hanging out with other children a complete rarity. If I wanted something very badly, like internet access (which was to communicate and learn on) or friends I taught myself how to not-desire it; because if my parents saw I wanted it too much they would take it away. I detached because living misrably and without love needs to be numbed; Im incredibly suceptible to Lack-Of-Love sickness and it gets to almost deathly points.. trust me.
Recently, I fully comprehended this and set about to fix it. I realized there was really nothing else left to do besides kill myself, so why not. The hard part is comprehending it all, I think. Doing it isnt really the issue. Well, it can be.. It just originates in Comprehending.
I started to create my days. I started this about... two months ago, I believe. I'd decide I really wanted something or to do something, or to get something and make up my mind I really had to have it; there was really no other option. And then POOF! it would happen. Not in the way I would have expected but still always happened. Its just difficult mustering the will all the time. Sometimes, I just really dont care anymore, and the effort of keeping up with daily rythmes is overpoweringly tiresome.. And it all just sucks balls.
So its a practice makes perfect thing.

Right Now, my current goals are:
Live Happy
Work Well; finish with everything clean, stocked, and done properly.
Make at least 25 dollars a night in tips.
Keep Spurting Art
BUY CAMERA. IN THE NEXT WEEK.
Buy Sims 2
Continue the daily rythmes of brushing teeth, showering, washing face twice a day, dressing, putting on makeup, eating, sleeping, etc.